W.t.s.

My life is so over.

Before it even started.

Why must Jiawei always look so good? Can’t he just stop torturing me? It’s bad enough knowing he’ ll never love me, but it’s a million times worse to know that even if he did, I wouldn’t be good enough for him.

He’s still online.

I’m really worried now. He’s never online that late, and so long.

Of course it could just be his mom.

But it might be him, going through what could be the toughest time of his life. Waiting online, wondering if anyone cared enough to notice he’s still online and ask him what’s wrong.

I feel like crying.

If something happened it would all be my fault, for being too shy to talk to him.

I wish I wasn’t so shy and pathetic.

Sometimes it just feels like I don’t belong anywhere.

Not in my family, in 2A, or in RVGG. Heck, I don’t even have any friends. At least not real ones.

I’ve long given up hope of fitting in in 2A. Because I just don’t belong. Maybe because I get too awkward around people I don’t know well. It’s like I just can’t think of anything to say around them. I don’t know why either. Not that it matters now, because the days of being in 2A’11 are over. Done. I just hope that I will fit in in my new class. And stop being so socially awkward around guys. Really, it’s high time I got cured of that.

RVGG Y2’11? Apparently, there’s a family thing going on within. And I’m not part of it. I can’t even say, “I want to be your wife!” or something like that cause I’m not close enough to most of them. And the ones I am close to, either don’t care or have already found someone else to be related to. It really really hurts to feel that I don’t belong. What’s worse is knowing it. This sucks. I don’t feel like they are my sisters at all. Why can’t RVGG feel like RVGG? It feels like 2A’11 all over again. A place where I don’t belong. And there’s no point trying. Because you can’t just get “in”. You have to be chosen. And I’m not. I’ll never be.

When will I ever feel like I belong?

And friends? I don’t have any. Jin Yan and Hui Jia are seasonal friends, who only keep in touch during the school term. If it were not for school, we would have nothing in common. Nothing. Jolene and Rachel are a bit better than Jin yan and Hui Jia, but not that much.

Wei shan? You know, it’s like she only treats me as a best friend when it’s just the two of us. I’m not sure that’s what best friends is all about. Zhi min can really drive me insane most of the time. I don’t like that she complains about stuff that’s within her means to change. Also, her argument sucks. But she doesn’t seem to realise it. Yan bin, I just don’t feel close enough to her. Like we only discuss superficial stuff. Never deep stuff. As with Kar Wei, I know she’s a true friend but she’s just too social for me. She’s the type who can have a million close friends. Which is not to say a bad thing, but I want a best friend who understands that best means one and only one. Helen, I don’t think she can ever truly be anyone’s friend, though I like her. No offense.

I just don’t belong.

I wish the guy I like likes me back. But that will never be more than just a wish, will it? It’s impossible. He’s too good for me.

If only he liked me, I would finally feel that I belong. At least, with him, I belong.

But he doesn’t like me.

And I will never belong anywhere.

This is the first time he’s been online so long and so late.

I’m worried.

The worst thing in life is wanting to tell the person you love you love them, but not being able to.

I want to ask him why he’s still online so late. Why he’s not going to bed.

But I can’t.

And it hurts.

So, so much.

我为什么那么傻？

你明明就不爱我。

Why do I still love you after all this time?

I thought I was over you.

I guess I thought wrong.

But why?

What is it about you that makes my heart start beating faster?

What is it about you that takes my breath away?

You’re just another guy.

Sometimes I wonder if it could be easier to be a guy. Guys can just tell a girl if he likes her. And most of the time, she ends up liking him too.

If only I could say I love you…

/notformetosay/

Why does my heart still skip a beat when I see you online?

Why do I still find it hard to breathe when someone mentions your name?

Why do I still care?

It’s stupid to hold on.

You don’t even care.

notyourfault

我真希望我自己不是佳慧。

如果我是玮珊，生活就会容易多了。其实绣庭，晓婷也可以，只要不是我就行了。

如果我是玮珊，大家都会是我的好朋友，老师学姐们也喜欢我。如果我是玮珊，我就不会每次都想不出话说。可能如果我是玮珊，嘉伟就会爱我吧。

如果我是晓婷，我会有很多爱我的好朋友。我也会漂亮。可能如果我是晓婷，嘉伟就会爱我吧。

我真失败。

I love RVGG. So, so much. But RVGG doesn’t love me. Sometimes I just wish I could leave this place.

I put in so much effort, but it’s like the seniors just don’t notice at all. I once asked Wei Shan what she thought, and she said that the seniors will know if we’re putting in effort because it’s “very obvious”.

But she’s wrong. I have been putting in effort, but they seem to think that I’m not trying my best at all. I don’t know what to think anymore.

They seem to think that ZHI MIN is better than me. Her, of all people. She’s the worst in our batch. Doesn’t even try to mix though she keeps complaining that our level is segregated. Doesn’t even like RVGG, doesn’t even try her best for anything in Guides. And yet the seniors prefer her over me? I don’t know what they can be thinking, really. I’ve lost all faith in the year 3 seniors, to tell the truth. There’s no point even in trying, because what do they see?

To them, I will always be the weak girl who doesn’t like guides. Who doesn’t give a damn about acts. The one who needs constant looking after and guidance. Who has no enthusiasm whatsoever for any guide activities and needs prompting before doing anything.

Yes, I will admit I was once like that. But I am not now. Why can’t they just see it? I am sick of doing so much and getting so little.

I don’t think anyone can ever understand. Because the seniors notice them all. All except me. I will always be invisible.

And then there’s my level. I’m really trying hard to not “clique” around and talk to everyone, but nobody cares. They are all just sticking to their best friends. And since my best friend has decided to abandon me for Jing Lin and Yi Yan, I’m homeless. A loner. Like always.

Here’s the thing about Wei shan: I really like her and cherish her as a best friend, but she only treats me as a best friend when it’s just the two of us. When it’s one big group, she will totally abandon me.

I know it sounds like she’s using me. But she isn’t. Cause we always go out together, just the two of us, and she doesn’t do that with anyone else.

Maybe this is selfish of me, I don’t know, but I want a friend who belongs just to me. I don’t want a friend who mixes well with everyone and has a million other friends besides me. Actually, that’s okay, as long as she still treats me as her special friend. Sure, she may have lots of other friends, but I’m still her special friend. Like, we have inside jokes. And there’s things we can only talk about with each other. Maybe I really have no right to expect this, but I’m sick of always being second. Why doesn’t anyone ever put me first? Am I really that insignificant to them? The sad thing is, I still love them and would never dream of putting them second. Call me stupid, but this is what I believe is true friendship. But when you truly love someone as a friend, you just give. You don’t expect anything back. That’s friendship. :’)

我好乱， 不知道该要怎么想。为什么在别人的心里，我永远排第二？我知道我不是最完美的，可是我是真的把她当成最好的朋友，放她在第一位，忍受她的脾气，她有什么内心话都听她说，难道这样还不够吗？这不是真正的友谊吗？我想，只要你真心爱一个人就行了，需要时时刻刻为了她而改变自己吗？为什么朋友的要求总是那么高？为什么我永远还是不达标？ 我对你，真的有那么不重要吗？因为我把你，当成生命中的一切。除了你，已经没有人爱我了。我喜欢的男生有自己喜欢的女孩了。父母爱我是爱我，可是我很难和他们说话。我在班上也没有真正的朋友。我只有你。如果你也不要我了，我该怎么办？我知道，我很悲哀，可是，我从小就这样了，很难交朋友。摩羯座就是摩羯座。永远孤独，永远爱把什么都放在心里。只是有些话，我真的说不出口。。。对不起。我这个朋友失败了。